I’m Moving On…

AishahHils.com. I promise this is it for awhile, and that I’ll actually be saying stuff. Cause that’s what I’m here for :) Thank you for putting up with me and continuing to read me and support me. I love y’all.

Changes!

I am working on some major changes on my blog and in my life. Insha’Allah within the next few weeks I will be moving to a domain and expanding the site a little, as well as stretching my wings creatively. I am also working on more articles and hoping to return full-time to participating in group blogs. I feel like right now in my life Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is trying to tell me that I need to get my priorities straight…and below taking care of my iman needs to be taking care of my writing, activism, and the strong friendships I feel I’ve built with other Muslims through that.

A week ago I was basically told that the way I’ve been planning for my life to go – to study Tibet at the graduate level – is unlikely to happen. I’m feeling hurt and betrayed for many reasons that I won’t go into here, but I am struggling to let those feelings go and to thank Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala for closing doors that might have been safer closed and moving me into new and exciting spaces. The door is still ajar – I have a couple of applications out and there is still a small chance – but I am looking into my other options and my gratitude is almost overwhelming my fear and pain. This has required me to completely rethink the path of my life – not only what I am going to do with myself after graduate school, but what I am going to do with my life period, career-wise (to be a Tibetanist one must go about things a certain way and if I can’t…well…), and also down to the mundane things like the fact that if I stop being a full-time student here after May, I lose not only my ability to defer student loans (riba is evil and I am very sad that it took me so long to convert to Islam and realize this!), but also my job (I have to be a full-time student in good standing to work here) and my health insurance. Finding a job in the economy right now…the prospect terrifies me. I cannot get health insurance outside of student health care because of my medical conditions (places like UHC, CHP, and BCBS won’t even consider covering me).

I am thinking up amazing and wonderful opportunities, though, and letting these doors Allah is opening for me be my support to get myself through the next several months. I am considering applying to our Masters in Social Work program; I have always wanted to be able to work with people directly and deal with issues such as welfare, public health, etc. – things that I have struggled with in my own life. I want to be able to lessen those struggles for other people. I am also thinking of contacting the Badr Language Institute, which I believe is attached to Dar al-Mustafa (where Saha went in Yemen if I am not mistaken) to do a year of Arabic there. This is something I would really love to do, but if I manage to get into a graduate study program, I may end up postponing it. Still, I want to look into it. I’m also hoping to contact a former professor of mine who teaches at Geumgang University in South Korea about doing their Korean language program for a year; I would be able to continue my Tibetan and Sanskrit studies with him and possibly get into their Buddhist studies program. Finally, I’m seriously considering applying to the Peace Corps…I feel like this is another path Allah is showing me where I could help people and also build a future for myself. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear anything that would broaden my horizons.

I am struggling so much right now with the feelings of unfairness because I don’t believe that my actions were what caused me to be rejected from the program, but I am trying to stay positive about things and not allow that to consume me. It’s not the first time in my life where something like this has happened, but it is the first time where I’ve felt so blatantly and directly…shoved aside, for lack of a better way of putting it. Brothers and sisters, how do you cope with that feeling?

I was thinking earlier this morning (I’m actually at work right now, and doing homework) that we have many group blogs and ways of sharing articles and such, but I have yet to find an Islamic forum or circle for message board-style discussion where we can openly discuss many of the issues we blog about, as well as things that go on in our own lives. I’ve seen many of the big Islamic forums, but I would love to have a closer-knit, private community where we could feel comfortable sharing without fear of retribution and with faith in confidentiality. I have administrated message boards before, and been heavily involved in moderating a board for sensitive issues where confidentiality and comfort level for all participants was a major concern, and this is something I’d be more than willing to take on if there are any Muslims about who’d be interested in participating. I’m especially interested in having a circle of sisters, either as a separate part of the forum or to have the whole forum geared towards a space for sisters to come together.

Exhale

I don’t even know how to start this. I feel like my life has kind of turned upside down, I mean, more than it was already! I shouldn’t go into it all here, as some of it is quite private, but essentially my plans for the future are…up in the air. I’m not comfortable with that. I plan. I’m a planner. Things must be obsessively planned. Now I do not know what is going to happen. It’s terrifying and exhilarating. New possibilities are opening up.

I realized how much I need to get back into writing, and stop letting work and study overrun my life to the point that I neglect the things I love. I need to take care of my health. I need to take care of my iman. A large part of the problem is that I just don’t know what to write about anymore. I feel drained, and I’m tired of feeling drained. I want to be able to fully enjoy the doors that are opening in my life instead of being angry and disappointed about the ones that are closing. And I want to share it with you. I miss everyone, I miss reading you regularly (although I’ve been trying to keep up), I miss getting on my soapbox and ranting about the things I think are important, I miss feeling so full of faith that I have to let it out.

So, I’m pledging to try and start posting at least once a day or every other day, even if it’s, “I don’t know what to say,” or, “I can’t dig myself out from under this pile of books,” or, “I’m feeling paralyzed by fear.” I’m also pledging to try and do the things I need to do for myself, like actually take my medicine, and exercise, and eat, and all that good stuff. Breathing helps, too.

Still breathing.

New post at Shared Spiritual Reckoning. Tell them stories.

I feel the need to update if only to let everyone know I am still here. I believe my brain has been captured by the end-of-semester doldrums, along with my motivation. I am actually doing quite well, though – in the event that I make it through exams and papers and such. Otherwise things are good Alhamdulillah, although my dear sister in Islam is still very ill and back in the hospital, so please continue to make du’a for her insha’Allah.

I have been feeling strangely content, if exhausted and occasionally unable or unwilling to do the things that I want and need to do, like catch up with blogging or write something besides essays for my courses. This “holiday season” has been especially hard for me for some reason, but I am just…at peace with things for now. It’s a good feeling.

I have been reading Kahlil Gibran and Adonis (Ali Ahmed Said). Please, if you have not, please pick up A Time Between Ashes and Roses by Adonis. It is breathtaking.

excuse me but…

excuse me but lady liberty needs glasses
and so does mrs justice by her side
both the broads r blind as bats
stumbling thru the system
justice bumbed into mutulu and
trippin on geronimo pratt
but stepped right over oliver
and his crooked partner ronnie
justice stubbed her big toe on mandela
and liberty was misquoted by the indians
slavery was a learning phase
forgotten with out a verdict
while justice is on a rampage
4 endangered surviving black males
i mean really if anyone really valued life
and cared about the masses
theyd take em both 2 pen optical
and get 2 pair of glasses

tupac shakur.